DIAL-A-DYSFUNCTION HOTLINE

If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1--repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone else to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want,
just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are experiencing major depression, it doesn't matter which number 
you press. No one will answer anyway.

If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that 
the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive, and about 
to bite your ear.