BAD HORRIBLE (FUNNY) PUNS

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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in 
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.  After about an 
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 
"But, why?" they asked "Because," he said, " I can't stand chess nuts 
boasting in an open foyer." 
 
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A woman had twins, and she gives them up for adoption.  One of them 
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal".  the other goes to a 
family in Spain, they name him "Juan."  Years later, Juan sends a 
picture of himself to his birth mom.  Upon receiving  the picture she 
tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.  Her 
husband responds, "But they are twins, if you have seen Juan, you have 
seen Amal." 

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Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocain 
during root canal work? 

He wanted to transcend dental medication... 

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These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a 
small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy 
flowers from the "men of God", the rival florist across town thought 
the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, 
but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They 
ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out 
of business They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh 
MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" 
them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, 
saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so,
thereby proving -- Are you ready for this?! that Hugh, and only Hugh,
can prevent florist friars. 

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Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid 
bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed 
in a fire.  Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled. 

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A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm 
shrinking!"  The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down.  You'll 
just have to be a little patient." 

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A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins 
that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One
day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some 
more.  On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid
to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.  Immediately, he was 
arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for 
immortal porpoises. 

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An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. 
After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip 
of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew
and swallow one inch of the leather every day.  After a month, the 
medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief 
shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on." 

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Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to 
produce other products and, since they already made the cases for 
pocketwatches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling 
west.  It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality,
their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or 
Mexico rather than California.  This, of course, is the origin of the 
expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!" 

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There were three Indian squaws.  One slept on a deer skin.  One slept 
on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.  All three 
became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy.  The one who 
slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.  This goes to prove that 
the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the
other two hides. 

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THE END.