RANDOM THOUGHTS

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FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION!  It comes bundled with the software.

I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in 
terror like the passengers in his car.

JESUS LOVES YOU.  It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.

I married Miss Right.  I just didn't know her name was, "Always".

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

1955 - 1975:  36 Elvis Movies.
1975 - 1998:  Nothing.

HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER.  LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!

To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question....
....or is it?

Sometimes I wake up grumpy.  Other times I let her sleep

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

Don't get married.  Find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

Be nice to your kids.  They'll choose your nursing home.

I still miss my ex.  But my aim is getting better!

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.  I don't like to interrupt her.

Very funny, Scotty.  Now beam down my clothes.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

THE BILL OF RIGHTS... (Void where prohibited by law)

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of 
the population.

First draw the curve, then plot the data.

A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw one hell of a party.

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE BELOW AVERAGE.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

WHERE THERE'S SMOKE, THERE'S DINNER.

OTHER THAN THAT, MRS. LINCOLN, HOW WAS THE PLAY?

Losing a wife can be hard.  In my case it was almost impossible.

If you run out of sick days, call in dead.

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MOST IRONIC CELEBRITY DEATHS:


Ellen DeGeneres -- Suffocates in the closet

Jenny McCarthy  -- Struck by a random thought

Frank Sinatra   -- Killed by Strangers in the Night

RuPaul          -- Prostate cancer

O.J. Simpson    -- Murdered by the "real killer" in an apparent suicide

Madonna         -- Exposure

Unabomber       -- Mail bomb returned due to "insufficient postage"

Bill Gates      -- Falls out of a Window

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